Episode 02: Let’s Talk About Mom rage

Transcript:

hi, I’m Jalesa Dodson, a mom of three littles and you’re listening to a Love Letter to motherhood. Where I provide you with a small dose of nourishment to get you through the week. Because if we’re being honest with each other, we all need little reminders that we’re doing the best we can when we can, SO grab a cup of coffee & let’s chat!

Welcome back to episode 02 of A love letter to Motherhood. In today's episode we are going to be talking all about mom rage. Now if you're like me, then you've probably never heard of mom rage before. I had no idea what it was until I was in the thick of it. I knew something wasn't right. I knew that I wasn't being myself and I knew for a fact that I wasn't an angry person. Now I have a high patience level so for me to explode like this was highly unusual. It wasn't until I came across Dr. Ream and her instagram page @psychedmommy, that I started to connect the two. Sometimes, at least for me, it makes you feel more reassured when you can put a name to how you're feeling or what you're experiencing. So according to Psychedmommy, mom rage occurs during postpartum (or even starts during pregnancy) when you feel an intense sense of anger or rage during situations that shouldn't necessarily trigger such an emotion. This rage is usually a symptom of something else such as anxiety or depression. For me this is especially true in regards to having postpartum anxiety and depression. During my third pregnancy I developed depression and anxiety that only intensified during my postpartum phase. To make matters worse, the pandemic hit and I felt more isolated and more on edge. Followed with that isolation, a new sense of irritability developed with such minor things that would have never triggered me before. I found myself yelling more and just so enraged at everything and everyone. My husband even expressed that he felt like he had to walk on eggshells around me because I was a ticking time bomb. Now that hurt coming from my husband and especially coming from my kids, because they were constantly asking me why I was in such a bad mood or why was I so angry. And at the time I had no idea why I was in a bad mood or so angry. This intense urge to yell or sometimes even cry when I was angry just completely took over. So when I found out that this is in fact normal and that many moms are experiencing this mom rage, it felt good knowing that I wasn't alone. And that I am not an angry mom, I'm just a mom who needs a little more care and support.

I love how this other instagram account that I follow, @happyasamother described mom rage. She said: "Yelling and losing your cool is the equivalent of your check engine light coming on. It's an invitation to turn inward and become curious about your needs."

So when you realize that you are having these crazy outbursts and finding yourself to be irritable or yelling all of the time, then it is time to check in with yourself and figure out what is triggering this irritability and rage. Like what is out of order or needs a little extra care and attention or even some support to help manage this sensation that you're experiencing. Are your needs or even sometimes wants being met? And how are your expectations?

For me, these outburst came when I felt like I was being overwhelmed. Taking care of three kids is a full time job in itself. One that I was not mentally prepared for. The transition from two little to three hit hard. It became suffocating and time consuming. Especially if you are working full time as well. My rage was at an all time high when I was working full time and on top of that a full time student. I literally stayed on edge. It calmed down some when I stopped working but that irritability and rage was still present.

Which leads to my second trigger. I felt like I didn't recognize myself anymore and that I had lost my identity to motherhood. I had to stop working and I barely had any time for the things that I loved doing. I had no time to read, to sleep, to do school work, to write for my blog, to pursue my career. The only thing I had time for was catering to these little human beings. Mind you, we were in a pandemic so the support from friends and family or even daycare wasn't there because everything was shut down.

I no longer felt like I had control over my life and that everything was slipping from my hands.

Now I will say this spiraling effect was heightened when I wasn't getting enough sleep when I wasn't feeding myself properly or drinking enough water. Or even when I wasn't moving my body enough. When I became too sedentary which was common during the lockdown. We couldn't go anywhere or do anything. Everything and everyone was at home. So it goes back to my question are my common needs even being met?

Are you getting enough sleep?

Are you eating enough?

Are you drinking enough water? Honestly, if you're a caffeine drinker, have you had caffeine? or if you're being really honest with yourself is the caffeine making it worse?

Are you being active enough? Even if it's a simple walk or two around the neighborhood.

My expectations were unrealistic during this time and instead of giving myself grace or having clear communication with myself, my spouse, and with friends and family, I become disappointed, irritable, and enraged.

It wasn't fair to me or those I loved. But it made me aware that something was wrong and that I needed help. There are many different things that we can do to help manage this rage we are feeling and to get the help and support that we need so that we can enjoy this stage of motherhood that we're in. Because you don't want to be the always angry mom or always yelling mom.

So before we dive into that self-help and the work that we need to put in, we're going to take a quick break to thank today's sponsor: Anchor! If you haven’t heard about Anchor it’s the easiest way to make a podcast. I had no idea what I was getting myself into when starting a podcast until I found Anchor! Anchor is completely free and it has all of the creation tools you need to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or computer. Ancho makes things easy by distributing your podcast for you to platforms such as Spotify, Apple Podcast, and many others. The best part is that you can make money from your podcast without a minimum listenership. Anchor has everything you need to start your very own podcast, all in one easy-to-use place. So go ahead and download the free Anchor app or go to Anchor.fm , that's a-n-c-h-o-r dot f-m to get started today.

Managing this mom rage requires work. Some days are better than others. There are going to be times when you lose your ish and yell. But we don't want to always be losing our ish. We don't want to always be feeling on edge. We don't want our loved ones to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around us because we're a ticking time bomb.

So here's what helped me: And just as a reminder, this is how I handled my mom rage. I found what works for me and I hope it'll help you find what works for you. You know my motto, take what you can use and leave what you can't.

Alright, so as an introvert, I need time to recharge. I enjoy being alone. It's nice to sit in the quiet and just think, to just read, or write, or honestly to just sit. So when I don't have that alone time to recharge then I'm on edge.

I'm my happiest when I wake up before my kids. I am able to drink my coffee in peace. To read, to stretch or do some yoga. To pray and sometimes even get my life together. Having that time without feeling rushed is needed.

If I skip breakfast, I'm on edge. I am not my best self when I haven't eaten a proper meal all day. And those granola bars do not count mamas! Also I need water. I can't live on ice coffee as much as I wish I could.

Now sleep is something I am still working on. My youngest just started sleeping in her crib through the night but my anxiety would get the best of me and prevent me from sleeping. So there would be a lot of late nights and a lot of night wakings and me not getting enough sleep. It's gotten better. Still not great but I have trained myself to be in bed at a decent time, I'm talking lights out by 10pm. If only I could get the night wakings under control. Honestly I probably just need to get rid of that afternoon cup of coffee now that I'm thinking about it.

If the day was a little harder then I go to my husband and I tell him, like hey hunny, I need 5 minutes or 10 minutes to just sit in my room by myself. Thankfully I have an understanding husband who sees that and gives me those minutes. And trust me, those small amount of minutes make a difference.

Getting outside also helps. We started this new thing with the kids to spend 1000 hours outside and just being outside helps improve my mood so much. As well as a clean house. A clean house calms my soul.

Now as I mentioned earlier, mom rage may be a symptom of anxiety or depression. It was very hard for me to accept at first because you know it exists but it's something you think can't happen to you. So I am in therapy to help manage that side of things.

But with everything I mentioned, if I do majority of those things, my needs are met and I am a much happier person. It's so easy to put the needs of your kids or spouse first but no mama, you gotta put yourself first and take care of your needs so you can be your best self for your loved ones and for yourself.

And don't be afraid to communicate and stand up for your needs. Don't wait for someone else to speak up for you. No one else knows what you need more than yourself. Trust yourself, have realistic expectations, and take care of yourself.

You are not alone. Mom rage is very real and you're not the only one experiencing it.

Be sure to check out the show notes on my blog lettersformotherhood.com for some resources and more information on mom rage.

So let me be your supporter, your motivator, your encourager, your internet friend that pats you on the back and let you know that you're doing an amazing job and also remind you that you don't have to do it alone!

I hope you enjoyed today's episode and that you got some nourishment for your soul. I'll talk to you in the next love letter.

Love & Light, Jalesa.