Jalesa 10/11/21 Jalesa 10/11/21

Episode 10: Mom Allies

hi, I’m Jalesa Dodson, a mom of three littles and you’re listening to a Love Letter to motherhood. Where I provide you with a small dose of nourishment to get you through the week. Because if we’re being honest with each other, we all need little reminders that we’re doing the best we can when we can, SO grab a cup of coffee & let’s chat!

Welcome to episode 10 of A Love Letter to Motherhood! I want to start off by saying thank you for all of those who continue to listen to every episode of my podcast, even when I don't post consistently. We are in a hectic season here at the Dodson household. If you want to follow along on more of my personal life you can over on instagram at meetthedodsonsblog. But we are coming to the end of season 1 of A Love letter to motherhood. We have 2 more episodes of season 1 before our season break which will be 2 months off. But I'll try to post somewhat consistently over on the A love Letter to Motherhood Instagram account.

Okay, so enough with announcements, in today' episode we are talking about Mom Allies. Now mom allies is completely different from what we talked about in episode 04 in it takes a village. Our village is full of friends and family, the people we consistently rely on for help in our motherhood journey.

But what about the strangers? The people we pass throughout our day and have minor interactions throughout motherhood. How can those people be allies or if you're that person, how can you be an ally to a mom out on the streets?

So what triggered this conversation?

My son recently started gymnastics. It was his very first day and we had no idea what to expect on how this structured activity would go. Well, let me just break the ice and say it didn't go well. He screamed he kicked, he was not for it. I personally had never dealt with one of his public tantrums. I had no idea what to expect or what to do. I was hot in the face and downright embarrassed because of the way my son was reacting. (side note, your child's tantrum does not define you as a parent) But one thing I did know is that I didn't need the horrible commentary coming from this one mom. My son was having a hard time. I was having a hard time and instead of giving me a nod of solitude like yeah girl, I've been there or offering some form of help, she sat there and judged me and my son. It made the situation worse. It made me feel alone. It made me feel like I was a bad mom. And I wanted to leave right at that second. We didn't. I was able to calm my son down and get him to participate. And as the classes went by he was able to get better and better and now he loves going to gymnastics.

But on the way home, it made me wonder why is it so much easier for strangers to judger rather than to offer a helping hand? is why is the judgment coming from other parents? I know I am not the only one who has a child that throws tantrums. It doesn't make me a bad mother and it doesn't make my child bad either so then why did that other mother make me feel that way.

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Parenting is hard enough. And when our child loses their ish it only makes it harder. What I wish I would have gotten in that moment is a "hey girl, I've been there" or a look of it's going to be okay. Not the mean comments and the noises she was making like it was a dramatic fight scene in a movie (although it felt like it at the time)

There was this other time recently where I went walking with a friend and my youngest threw herself out on the walking path, so I laid her down so she wouldn't hurt herself and let her cry and scream. An elderly couple came by letting me know he did that with his child when he was younger and then made a little joke. They weren't judging me, they were letting me know they had been there too.

It goes on to say that if you see a mom struggling help her. be an ally.

Offer to push her cart if she's struggling with a baby and toddler.

Offer to load her bags in the car.

If she forgot baby wipes or a diaper, lend her yours.

If you see a mom struggling to fold her car seat or put on her baby carrier, ask can you help her.

If her child is screaming in the middle of target let her know you've been there or give her a smile of solidarity.

Hold the door open for a mom with a stroller.

Walk up to a random mom and let her know she's doing an amazing job because man, do we need to hear it more often.

You don't have to know that mom to help her.

You don't have to know that mom to be kind.

You can be a complete changer and be an ally.

There are a million and one things you can do to be a mom ally.

But the biggest thing you can do is not to comment and judge her.

We could all use a little more help during motherhood.

If you like these mini love letters that I send you every week, please make sure to subscribe to my podcast, share, and give it a rating where available. This helps others to find my podcast and for me to support others in this journey of motherhood.

So let me be your supporter, your motivator, your encourager, your internet friend that pats you on the back and lets you know that you're doing an amazing job and also remind you that you don't have to do it alone!

I hope you enjoyed today's episode and that you got some nourishment for your soul. I'll talk to you in the next love letter.

Love & Light, Jalesa.

Disclaimer: This episode is sponsored by Anchor.

Jalesa 9/24/21 Jalesa 9/24/21

Episode 09: Am I doing enough as a mother

Welcome to episode 09 of A Love Letter to Motherhood. In today’s episode we are discussing that question that I’m sure all of us have asked at least one in our journeys, am I doing enough as a mother? Am I doing enough for my child?

For those of you that don’t know the age gaps between my children, my oldest is 9, my middle is 3, and my youngest is 18 months (usually I just tell people 1). So for 6 years, my oldest was the only child. And I will be the first to toot my own horn because I am killing the mom game with having only one child. We did cute crafts all the time. We read books in the morning, before nap time, before bed. We went on cool trips to parks, libraries, zoos, and museums. We did all the cool things.

Then when we had my son, I basically had to 1. Learn how to care for a newborn again because I haven’t had one in 6 years and then 2. Share my time equally. And let me just say there is no equally when you have more than one child and you will burn yourself out trying to keep score. I’m thankful that my husband was still able to keep up with some of the fun outings for my oldest but things were for sure not the same.

So now let’s throw a third child in the mix. My oldest is now 8, I have a brand new toddler and a newborn.

I no longer had the mental capacity or the energy to do all the cool things. I’ll be honest I was trust in survival mode. I barely remember to read all 3 kids a book before bed. We don’t go on special outings unless my husband tags along because my anxiety is high when it’s just me and 3 kids.

I find myself at the end of the night, asking myself am I doing enough? Are my kids happy? Do they know they’re loved? Do they know they’re safe? Do they feel cared for?

And I can guarantee the answer is yes to all of those questions especially to the am I doing enough.

Despite the tantrums. Despite the talking back. Despite the refusal of nap time. Despite the crying. Despite the yelling.

Your kids are fed. Your kids are clothed. Your kids are in a safe place. Your kids are loved you are most certainly doing enough!

At the end of the day are kids are going to remember how you made them feel. Not all of the things you bought for them or the places you took them. Those are just added bonuses. They don’t define how good of a mom you are.

They’re fun. The kids enjoy them for a moment. But sometimes doing all of the things make you a crankier mom. A stressed-out mom. A tired mom. A mom who’s overwhelmed and burned out.

I made a commitment to myself this back-to-school season that the kids have school and they each have one extracurricular activity each (except for my youngest) I don’t have to sign them up for all the things and then commit to being at every single one. Doing that is doing too much. Doing that is overwhelming me and probably them.

Something that has worked for my family and my children is giving each kid a special day. Like I said trying to keep score will just stress you out. Instead, everyone has a special time with me. This allows me to pour into them and they get to pour back into me because no siblings are tagging along and we get to really just fill each other’s cups.

So Friday nights are girl’s night. My oldest and I pick a special treat, we either watch a movie, do a craft or play a game. Once a month we got out somewhere(usually to Barnes and noble) we get to talk about whatever we want and do whatever we want without the littles interrupting.

Thursday mornings, my son and I go to gymnastics and then after go get a special treat and play at the park. We have the best conversations on the car without anyone interrupting us.

My youngest, like I said she’s one, we don’t really have a special day but we will next year, for now I like to steal away 5 to 10 minutes at a time and just sit and read with her. Play with some of her toys and just talk to her about what I see. Her siblings aren’t around and she enjoys this special time between us.

If you ever notice that one of your children is acting out more than usual, it’s a cry for attention. They need some on one time. Even if it’s just for 10 minutes, sitting on the floor and coming into their world, that’s all they may need.

I know I have to sit and play cars with my son once a day.

I know I need to sit and talk to my daughter, fully engaging, making eye contact and talking about Pokémon and her art.

I know I need to sit and just hold my youngest in her rocking chair for a few minutes.

These small gestures are showing you are doing enough.

They’re small but have a huge impact on our children.

And I’m not saying 10 minutes a day is all they need but it’s a start and you can work that time up to a longer amount of time or do small doses throughout the day but these actions show you’re doing enough.

Don’t fall victim to the Instagram mom who’s taking her kids to Disney land.

Don’t fall victim to the mom who homeschools are 6 of her kids.

Don’t fall victim to the mom who has 2 businesses, keeps a perfect house and cares for 3 kids just fine.

Instagram is just a highlight reel. People only show well for a reason.

Let this be a reminder at whatever season you are in in your mothering journey you are doing enough. You are doing more than enough. I see you and your children see you. Keep being a kick-ass mom. I actually don’t know if I can say that but there it is! Lol

I hope you enjoyed today's episode and that you got some nourishment for your soul. I'll talk to you in the next love letter.

Love & Light, Jalesa.

Disclaimer: This episode is sponsored by Anchor.

Jalesa 9/6/21 Jalesa 9/6/21

Episode 08:The Internal Conflict of Being a SAHM

Transcript

Welcome to episode 08 of A Love Letter to Motherhood. In today's episode, we are addressing the internal conflict of being a stay-at-home mama. On one hand, you feel blessed and grateful to spend all of this time with your littles and then, on the other hand, you feel as if you're missing out on another life you could of had or used to have.

And I want to start off with a disclaimer that not every stay-at-home mother feels this way. I know many mamas that feel completely full-filled and have always dreamed of being a stay-at-home mom. I know some working moms who had a hard transition to being a stay-at-home mom. And I know some stay-at-home moms who made the decision because it was the best decision, maybe even the best financial decision for their family.

Everyone feels differently. And I know that feelings can change and shift in seasons.

I have been a stay-at-home mom on and off for the last 6ish years or so now. The most recent time happened when the pandemic started. I always wanted to make sure I had a large presence in my children's lives. I grew up with a mother who worked very hard and was always gone physically or was too tired so she mentally wasn't there. So I knew that because of my own personal upbringing I wanted to be heavily involved. I am very thankful for how involved I am in my littles' lives and how much I do for my kids but it does come with its what-ifs. I think that anything in life comes with some what-ifs because of the overwhelming choices and outcomes life presents us with.

So as I mentioned I had to give up my job because of the pandemic. I loved my job so much and I was great at my job. However, with everything going on, childcare was closed, My oldest was home from school and I was pregnant with my third. I tried to make it work for as long as I could after my maternity leave was over but having 3 kids home, especially when 2 are not self-sufficient and trying to work was no easy task. My husband was also working from home and his job allowed for a lot more flexibility than mine. I had none whatsoever, so trying to manage everything brought a lot of stress. I literally had 2 - 15 minute breaks and a 30-minute lunch. To think I could eat and pump in that little amount of time was beyond stressful, even with being at home!

Unfortunately, financially it was the better decision for me to leave my job. I was sad and angry and held quite a bit of resentment.

I felt like I had lost a part of myself this last time leaving my job. It was different from all of the other times being a stay-at-home. Before I knew I wanted this time to be fully present and pour my all into them. This time I had found a job I loved and I was in a new season to pursue my career dreams.

I felt like I had lost the freedom, the structure, the accomplishment of it all. And you can absolutely have all of this while being a stay-at-home mom too but let's be real, it's different.

Over on Instagram, @transparentcitymama said it best: "I think we're always gonna wrestle between mothering and dreaming, yet I know that both of them coexist."

I love my kids and I love that I get to be there for a lot of their firsts and their school activities and extra-curricular but I loved my work too. And I'm starting to realize that both feelings are okay. Both feelings are acceptable. I am allowed to feel both.

Society makes us feel guilty when mothers are away at work. Or if we do stay at home with our kids, they make it seem like we're not doing enough. Or if we wonder and vent about wanting more, they shame us for not being grateful enough that others would kill to be a stay-at-home mom or others would kill to have their kids in daycare or have a nanny.

There is no room for guilt and there is no room for shame in motherhood.

Life is full of seasons. Motherhood is full of seasons and in this season I am meant to give my all to my kids. I am meant to be present in their lives and to pour into them. And when that season is over (and oh, how I will miss it when it's over) I will be able to pour into my career and my work.

This season isn't forever and I think that's the most magical thing about seasons.

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So to the stay-at-home mama who has always dreamed of being home with her kids, enjoy the beauty of this season and pour it into your littles. Do all of the things you've ever dreamed of and create the memories you've always wanted with them. You're allowed to dream and feel however you're feeling.

For the stay-at-home mama who didn't plan on being one, enjoy this season you are in. Embrace it and pour it into your littles and create beautiful memories. Allow yourself to dream about the what-ifs and could have been. Hold on to those dreams and their season. You're allowed to dream and feel however you're feeling.

For the stay-at-home mama returning back to work, give thanks for the season you had with your littles at home. Hold on to those memories you made and carry them with you as you start a season of work. You're allowed to dream and feel however you're feeling.

Just because you dream of something different doesn't mean you don't love your kids and this season of being a stay-at-home mom. Some days of motherhood are better than others. Some days you have this motherhood thing down and feel on top of the world and on other days you may want to run in the opposite direction and think what the heck were you thinking and feel unqualified.

Whatever you're feeling, it’s valid and acceptable. Motherhood is hard but nobody is more qualified to care for your children than you are.

Embrace the season you're currently in.

If you like these mini love letters that I send you every week, please make sure to subscribe to my podcast, share, and give it a rating where available. This helps others to find my podcast and for me to support others in this journey of motherhood.

I hope you enjoyed today's episode and that you got some nourishment for your soul. I'll talk to you in the next love letter.

Love & Light, Jalesa.

Disclaimer: This episode is sponsored by Anchor.

Jalesa 8/15/21 Jalesa 8/15/21

Episode 07: What Does Self Care Look Like?

Transcript:

Welcome to episode 07 of A Love Letter to Motherhood. If you missed my last episode, make sure you go ahead and give it a listen. We talked about things we forget to prioritize as mothers and that we need to start prioritizing these things more. We make specific things priorities for our children but our priorities are just as important. Today's episode is going to be a sequel to episode 06 and we're going to be talking about Self care and what does that exactly look like.

What exactly is self-care? It's exactly what it sounds like. The care and keeping of you. The act of taking care of yourself. Physically. Emotionally. Cognitively. and Spiritually.

There's this running joke that if moms are able to take a shower then that's self care. In a way it is and in a way that's not self care, that should be a priority. We deserve more than a 10 minute shower alone.

Self care for moms is not optional. That's something I personally had to start telling myself.

I would tell myself: "Jalesa, you can take this time for yourself when you're done doing this, this, and this," Or "No Jalesa you can't do this today because there's not enough time."

I am telling you now, no!

Make the time! Reschedule something else and schedule yourself in! Don't skip it, don't make it optional, just do it. If you don't actually make space for your self-care, it isn't going to happen.

I love this quote by L.R. Knost.
"Taking care of yourself doesn't mean me first it means me too." L.R Knost

We give to everyone around us and make sure they are taken care of, especially our littles but we can't forget to give to ourselves too. We too need care and attention.

According to the mental health coalition over on Instagram, Self-Care can come in a variety of forms:

You have Physically:

Fitness
Dance
Massage
Aromatherapy
Rest (taking a nap, or going to bed early)
Pampering (nails, hair, soaking in the bath)

There is Emotional Self Care:

Connecting with others )mom friends and those that aren't moms)
Therapy
Journaling
Art

There is Cognitive self-care:

Reading
Writing
Listening (podcasts, audiobooks, music)
Watching
Playing games

And Spiritual forms of self-care:

Meditation
breathwork
sound baths
prayer
reading your bible
Connecting with your religious community (life groups)

My personal self-care usually requires something from each form. Depending on my needs for the day, I may reach from one form of self-care more than others.

So here's what my self-care looks like:

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You deserve to practice self-care if you are feeling burned out.
You deserve to practice self-care to rest and recharge.
You deserve to practice self-care because you are just as important.

And sometimes self-care looks like the very basics. Don't underestimate the power of a walk outside or just sitting outside. Sometimes a good stretch or workout is what you need. A few deep breaths or a moment alone may suffice. I know for me personally, I love a good moment alone in my closet. There's something about that enclosed space that helps me re-center. A cup of coffee, some music, a good conversation with a friend, and although I said it wasn't earlier, even a shower may be what you need. It's not long-term self-care but these basics are a start.

Once you start taking these small actions, they create a ripple effect on your life. You start getting into a routine and start setting boundaries and really defining what is important to you and what caring for you looks like. Trust me boundaries are so important during self-care. You have to set some boundaries for yourself and for those around you or you will continue to feel burned out.

I say this time and time again, what works for me isn't going to be best for you, and what's best for you isn't going to be my cup of tea. And that's okay. Getting to know yourself and your likes and dislikes will help you define your desired self-care.

Our children look up to us, and if they see that we are making time for ourselves to do what we love and by taking care of ourselves, that sets them up for success in the future. They'll know how important it is to set boundaries and to take care of themselves.

I love when my oldest daughter recognizes she needs some time alone to get lost in her art.

I love that my son knows when he needs time to work on his breathwork.

I love that my youngest daughter is getting into yoga and loves to dance.

Practicing self-care also allows our children to see us as human beings and not just as their mothers, which in my opinion is important. I am not your personal servant and my life does not solely revolve around you.

Like I said in last week's episode:

Just because we have kids doesn't mean our lives stop. It doesn't mean our wants and needs have to be put on the back burner. They may need to be adjusted but they're still very possible. Our priorities are just as important as our kids. Our happiness, our hygiene, our health, our mental state, our lives are just as important. Just because we start caring for these littles, doesn't mean we stop caring for ourselves, if anything we care more.

I hope you enjoyed today's episode and that you got some nourishment for your soul. I'll talk to you in the next love letter.

Love & Light, Jalesa.

Disclaimer: This episode is sponsored by Anchor.

Jalesa 7/18/21 Jalesa 7/18/21

Episode 06: Things We Forget to Prioritize as Mothers

Transcript:

Welcome to episode 06 of A Love Letter to Motherhood! If you missed episode 05 make sure you go ahead and give it a listen. We talked about all things Postpartum Body Love and what that looks like. In today's episode, we're talking about all the things we forget to prioritize as mothers. Once we have a kid or many kids, our main focus is on them. We are responsible for cooking, cleaning, bathing them. Entertaining them. Teaching them. Loving and caring for them. Make sure they get healthy foods, and the right supplements, and health care visits. It's a lot prioritizing their needs over our own. It's overwhelming at times.

It's like when can we get a minute for ourselves?

Think about it:

We often times prioritize consistent meals for our little ones but what about ourselves. Our kids get 3 meals a day and snacks while we're forgetting to feed ourselves or picking over our kids’ leftovers. We survive off of coffee and granola bars, or at least I do but I'm pretty sure I'm not alone. I know I prefer to eat after my kids are asleep so they're not asking for my food. Eat consistently and fueling our bodies is one of the best things we can do as a mother. If we wouldn't allow our children to eat crap or skip meals then why do we allow ourselves to? I've personally been making sure I have time to sit and eat a good meal at the very least, twice a day. Meal prep has helped me to prioritize it but it works. Even if the meal is as simple as overnight oats or a turkey sandwich.

We forget to prioritize bath time and rest. We create these elaborate evening routines for our children where they get a bath with lavender to help calm them. We make sure they are massage and dressed in comfy pajamas. We have black-out curtains and white noise to create a calming environment before bed. And we make sure they get enough sleep at night and have a nap schedule throughout the day to make sure they're getting enough rest. But yet we are surviving off of 5-minute showers, and 5 hours of sleep. Can you imagine how happier we would be as a mother, as a person if we created that same calming routine before bed and got at the very least 8 hours of sleep every night? Trust me I get wanting to stay up after my kids go to bed just so I can get a minute alone to myself or with my husband. But I also enjoy going to bed early and getting 10 hours of sleep. I try to do it at least 2 to 3 times a week and I feel great. My husband makes fun of me when I'm in bed at 8 and then I make fun of him when he's a grumpy man in the morning because he chose to stay up late.

We prioritize medical visits and dental visits for our kids but when was the last time we went in for a check-up or teeth clean? We always schedule their visits in advance but I know many mamas who can't remember the last time they went in. I used to be one of them. This year has consisted of so many health visits since pregnancy! I took the time to go see my primary, my OB, my therapist. I've made sure to schedule my teeth cleaning and my eye appointment. And I feel good. Checking in on my body and caring for my health allows me to be a better mother.

We expect our kids to try new things but when is the last time you've tried something new mama? It's funny how we encourage our kids to try new food, say hi to a new friend, or explore a new activity but yet we stay complacent in things that are familiar. I don't like the idea of change but I thrive in change. I thrive on trying something new. It's scary and it's unfamiliar but yet it's so good for us. If our kids can do it, so can we. We need to try new things. If our kids see us doing it, they'll be more willing to do new things.

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The last few things I want to hit on about needing to prioritize more often are:

Finding time to unplug from technology, and prioritizing having fun, playing, and happiness.

We as moms always swear we're going to set boundaries and limit screen time with our littles. And most often we do. Our kids consume much less tech than we do. We prioritize that for them. But when is the last time you unplugged from the tech, from the social media? We live on Instagram, Facebook, Netflix and I know I can binge a whole season in a day but I wouldn't dare let my child do it so why is that okay for me? It's not. If you haven't set that boundary for yourself, I encourage you to do so. Set time limits on certain apps. Create a downtime where you aren't on your phone. Take breaks from social media, whether it be for a few hours, a few days, a few weeks, or even a few months. The amount of stuff I can get accomplished during a social media break is mind-blowing to me. Sometimes I never want to go back.

One of the biggest things we want for our kids is for them to be happy. To have fun and to play and to learn and to laugh and to do the things that bring them joy. But when is the last time you've done something to bring you that same level of joy?

When was the last time you painted?

read a book?

played soccer?

went kayaking?

went to a baseball game?

played music?

went dancing?

When was the last time you did something just for you and you alone?

Just because we have kids doesn't mean our lives stop. It doesn't mean our wants and needs have to be put on the back burner. They may need to be adjusted but they're still very possible. Our priorities are just as important as our kids. Our happiness, our hygiene, our health, our mental state, our lives are just as important. Just because we start caring for these littles, doesn't mean we stop caring for ourselves, if anything we care more.

I hope you enjoyed today's episode and that you got some nourishment for your soul. I'll talk to you in the next love letter.

Love & Light, Jalesa.

Disclaimer: This episode is sponsored by Anchor.

Jalesa 6/27/21 Jalesa 6/27/21

Episode 05: Postpartum body love

Transcript:

Welcome back to episode 05 of A Love Letter to Motherhood. Last week we talked about our village and what that village may or may not look like. If you haven't listened to that yet, make sure you go ahead and give it a listen. It's a good one.

So for this week, we are talking all things, postpartum body love. What does that actually mean and look like for you? What it looks like for you isn't going to be what it looks like for me. And it shouldn't. Our bodies are different. Our pregnancies were different.

Your body goes through major changes during pregnancy and after. If you've had more than one pregnancy then you've been through this change multiple times. Oftentimes, that change is very different than the first. And if you've breastfed then that comes with a whole other set of changes.

Unfortunately society, social media, and sometimes friends and family have been this false narrative in our heads that we need to bounce back as fast as we can once we pop baby out. Trust me, I've fallen victim to this narrative more than once. It's ugly and shameful that after 9 months of growing a human being, that they and we expect our bodies to just bounce back. News flash mama, it doesn't work like that.

Our bodies need time to heal and to change. Not change back to what it once was. But to change into its new form. The stretch marks, the extra weight, the pigmentation, all of it. It's here for a reason. That reason calls you mama.

I was in the OB one day for my checkup and as I was waiting there was this beautiful poem on the wall, and when I was done reading it, I was close to tears. It was a reality check for me and my expectations for my postpartum body.

The poem is by Hollie Holden and it goes like this:

Today I asked my body what she needed,
which is a big deal
considering my journey of
not really asking that much.
I thought she might need more water.
or protein.
or greens.
or yoga.
or supplements.
or movement.
But as I stood in the shower
reflecting on her stretch marks,
her roundness where i would like flatness,
her softness where i would like firmness,
all those conditioned wishes
that form a bundle of
never-quite-right-ness
she whispered very gently:
could you just love me like this?

How many of us can say we love our body EXACTLY the way that it is right in this moment?

I can guarantee not many of you can say yes.

I know my answer is no. But it's a no for now. I'm learning to love her. I'm learning to treat her right.

I talk so much crap about my body. Like I'll say things about having a mom pouch or saggy boobs that look like deflated balloons. My husband hates it. He'll constantly tell me to stop talking bad about his wife. I hate it. How can I talk so negatively about myself? Mind you I've had 3 kids and breastfeed all 3 for a certain amount of time so why on earth would I think these things wouldn't happen.

But when I feel this way about my body, I feel shameful. When people look at me they're like "no way you had 3 kids." "You make me sick looking like that after 3 kids. I wish i looked like that." or "you have no room to complain."

I know our bodies are all different but my body changed too. It may not look like yours but it looks different than what I've ever known. She's new to me.

We are so easily exposed to diet culture, supplements, shakes, bounce-back body programs, treatments, and more once we are cleared at our 6-week appointment. Sometimes before. There's this rat race to get back to your pre-baby body or weight as soon as possible.

Sometimes it can take up to a year or longer to lose that baby weight. My daughter is 17 months and I still haven't lost it all.

I'm not saying eating properly, exercising, and taking supplements is wrong, just as long as it's being done for the right reason.

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We have to be honest with ourselves and say are we doing it to look a certain way or to look like someone else? Or are we doing it to feel good and to be confident in our own skin?

I have come to terms that I'm not going to lose all of the baby weight and I'm okay with that. I wanted to pick up a little extra weight anyway. My hips are fuller, my breasts are smaller, and I have stretch marks all over. I don't want to look in the mirror and think horrible things about my body. I want to love her and treat her with respect.

A supplement, diet, or fast-track weight loss program isn't going to give you the results you want. You have to make healthy lifestyle changes to see and feel the results you want. Eat healthy because it gives you natural energy. Workout because it gives you really good endorphins. Buy a bigger size pair of jeans because they look and feel great. Stop trying to squeeze into those old pair of jeans and letting a number define you. Hi, I'm guilty of that. After 3 babies, I finally took the plunge to buy bigger-sized jeans and I am obsessed with how they look and make me feel. No longer do I have to squeeze into them and unbutton my pants when I sit. Yes, I used to do that. No, It's not worth it.

Like the poem said, drinking water, eating your greens, moving your body, it can all be really good. But love your body. She needs that from you. Look in the mirror and examine your body. Take note of the changes. I dare you to compliment yourself on each one. When you start to love your body, then you'll start to care about your body and give your body what it needs. Then your body will feel and look healthier and happier. I'm not saying you'll lose all of the baby weight but you'll be at a happier, healthier weight. You will give yourself a better lifestyle. A healthier lifestyle. You'll have a more natural energy and glow to you. I can guarantee it.

My body isn't where I envision her to be but she's where she needs to be and I'll love her through every stage and that mamas is a start.

I hope you enjoyed today's episode and that you got some nourishment for your soul. I'll talk to you in the next love letter.

Love & Light, Jalesa.

Disclaimer: This episode is sponsored by Anchor.

Jalesa 6/20/21 Jalesa 6/20/21

Episode 04: It takes a village

Transcript:

Welcome back to another episode of A Love Letter to Motherhood. We are on episode 4 and we are talking about our village. What does it actually mean when people say it takes a village, what that village actually looks like.

Last week we talked about ways to support your partner during postpartum. We're all familiar with how rough postpartum can be and how much support is needed. Well, sometimes that support isn't always going to come from your partner. Your partner is one small part of your village.

We expect our village to look like friends and family but that's not always the case. It used to sadden me when I would hear how supportive or involved my friends' parents would be with their children. But I've learned our village, the people who support us in our motherhood journey can be a variety of people, like:

social media communities: I can't tell you enough how many mama friends I have made on the internet and it feels like I have known them for years. Some of them I have. But they can give the best advice and can be so encouraging, so supportive, and so inspiring.

healthcare providers: New moms rely heavily on pediatricians and our OB. These doctors are full of a wealth of knowledge that can be so supportive during motherhood.

childcare providers/teachers: Your kid spends so much time away from home when they start school or daycare that it only makes sense for these providers to be a part of your village. They know your child just as much as you do.

housekeepers/lawn care: It's okay to hire outside help. During those early postpartum days or even as motherhood progresses, cleaning your house and lawn care can become time-consuming and overwhelming. One of the best things we could have done for our sanity was to hire someone to help clean our house every other week and for someone to cut our grass. At first, I thought it was something I should be ashamed of, like Jalesa you really can't do it yourself, ESPECIALLY since you're a SAHM.!? I mean yeah I can, and trust me I do clean nonstop but in order for me to be my best self and the best mom to my kids, I needed this help.

the coffee barista, the grocery store clerk,

the random person at the park who asks how you're doing

neighbors

These are all important people in your village. They support you. They encourage you. They often times love your kids and take care of them in some way, shape, or form. This village takes care of you by making your coffee, checking your health, bagging your groceries. It's the little things that these people do that they seamlessly become a part of your village.

Now, finding mom friends can be hard for many reasons. Sometimes we get too into our own head and talk ourselves out of friending other moms. Or even befriending those that aren't moms because

We say things like:

"I don't feel like I connect to anyone. We don't have anything in common."

Mom groups can feel cliquey or judgmental. If you've ever been a part of a mom group online then you know what I'm saying here.

It's hard finding moms with the same values.

It's hard finding moms with the same-aged kids or availability.

There are a vast amount of reasons that can make it feel so foreign and hard to find that village.

But oftentimes they're in the least expected places, with the least expected people. Never did I think I would find mine in a church. A church filled with people who often do feel cliquey and in very different stages of life. I had kids a long time before others started having kids so it was hard finding others who understood what mom life was really like. I oftentimes had to decline because I couldn't find a babysitter or we would go hang out only to find their home wasn't kid-friendly. Then all of a sudden, everyone in the church was pregnant and the village just naturally formed. We all leaned on each other for support and advice.

Our lives are very different, and our children are a variety of ages, and our lives are in a variety of stages but we all have one thing in common: motherhood.

Remember that no mom is perfect. No mom is better than you are as a parent, regardless if you sleep train, have a strict schedule, eat McDonald’s, eat Organic, allow your child to watch tv for hours or end, or whatever it is. We all need support.

That's essentially what a village is, a support system. A group of people you can lean on when times get rough or to celebrate the beautiful moments of motherhood together.

Your village will constantly change just as you change and they change. Sometimes it'll involve more friends than family, more family than friends. Sometimes it'll strictly be the coffee barista, the grocery clerk, and your primary care doctor. Sometimes it'll just be your partner.

Regardless of who it is, allow them to support you. Allow them to encourage you. Allow them to be there for you and to celebrate you. And make sure you do the same. It doesn't have to be anything elaborate. A simple text will usually suffice.

But the biggest thing I have learned in motherhood is to give the benefit of the doubt. Know that mothers mean well. Know the others mean well. Most are not judging you. You're judging yourself.

Once you remove that barrier, your village will be waiting for you with open arms. Because it really does take a village to raise these tiny humans.

I hope you enjoyed today's episode and that you got some nourishment for your soul. I'll talk to you in the next love letter.

Love & Light, Jalesa.

Disclaimer: This episode is sponsored by Anchor.

Jalesa 6/9/21 Jalesa 6/9/21

Episode 03: Ways to Support your partner during postpartum ft. Johnathan Dodson

Welcome back to Episode 03 of A Love Letter to Motherhood. In today's episode we are talking all things postpartum support and not just postpartum support but support from your partner. Postpartum can feel like a dark and lonely time or it can be a time of bliss if proper support is present. Often times we focus so much on the new baby that the mother is forgotten about entirely. Well, that needs to change. Moms need so much support during that fourth trimester in order to be their best selves and to embrace their new role as a mom. So we're going to be talking about 2 of my postpartum experiences because they were completely different and what support from my husband looked like during that time.

To help me better tell this, I brought in my husband, Johnathan to give his side of things.

Hunny, introduce yourself.

Points we're going to be discussing in today's episode:

Jaxon's postpartum story
Jada's postpartum story
What are the best ways to support your partner when returning back to work?

What are the best ways to support your partner when you have to work from home?
Research! & your favorite resources for partners.
Communication: I feel language instead of you language.

a bad example: I feel like you never take out the trash is the same as you never take out the trash

vs.

a good example: i feel frustrated when the trash is piling up and falling out of the trash can. It would be nice to have the trash taken out before it gets to that point.

In what ways can you, as the partner be supported? (You did have a new baby as well)
How would you say you can be intimate with your partner when sex is off of the table postpartum?
The hardest part of postpartum when you're the partner who didn't just give birth
Things you wish I knew during postpartum.
Reminders for each other?
In next week's episode, we'll be talking about support from others and building that village everyone talks about having in motherhood. Because it really does take a village to raise these littles.

I hope you find some nourishment for your soul in today’s episode & know you’re not alone. I’ll talk to you in the next love letter.

Love & light,

Jalesa

Disclaimer: This episode is sponsored by Anchor.

Jalesa 5/23/21 Jalesa 5/23/21

Episode 02: Let’s Talk About Mom rage

Transcript:

Welcome back to episode 02 of A love letter to Motherhood. In today's episode we are going to be talking all about mom rage. Now if you're like me, then you've probably never heard of mom rage before. I had no idea what it was until I was in the thick of it. I knew something wasn't right. I knew that I wasn't being myself and I knew for a fact that I wasn't an angry person. Now I have a high patience level so for me to explode like this was highly unusual. It wasn't until I came across Dr. Ream and her instagram page @psychedmommy, that I started to connect the two. Sometimes, at least for me, it makes you feel more reassured when you can put a name to how you're feeling or what you're experiencing. So according to Psychedmommy, mom rage occurs during postpartum (or even starts during pregnancy) when you feel an intense sense of anger or rage during situations that shouldn't necessarily trigger such an emotion. This rage is usually a symptom of something else such as anxiety or depression. For me this is especially true in regards to having postpartum anxiety and depression. During my third pregnancy I developed depression and anxiety that only intensified during my postpartum phase. To make matters worse, the pandemic hit and I felt more isolated and more on edge. Followed with that isolation, a new sense of irritability developed with such minor things that would have never triggered me before. I found myself yelling more and just so enraged at everything and everyone. My husband even expressed that he felt like he had to walk on eggshells around me because I was a ticking time bomb. Now that hurt coming from my husband and especially coming from my kids, because they were constantly asking me why I was in such a bad mood or why was I so angry. And at the time I had no idea why I was in a bad mood or so angry. This intense urge to yell or sometimes even cry when I was angry just completely took over. So when I found out that this is in fact normal and that many moms are experiencing this mom rage, it felt good knowing that I wasn't alone. And that I am not an angry mom, I'm just a mom who needs a little more care and support.

I love how this other instagram account that I follow, @happyasamother described mom rage. She said: "Yelling and losing your cool is the equivalent of your check engine light coming on. It's an invitation to turn inward and become curious about your needs."

So when you realize that you are having these crazy outbursts and finding yourself to be irritable or yelling all of the time, then it is time to check in with yourself and figure out what is triggering this irritability and rage. Like what is out of order or needs a little extra care and attention or even some support to help manage this sensation that you're experiencing. Are your needs or even sometimes wants being met? And how are your expectations?

For me, these outburst came when I felt like I was being overwhelmed. Taking care of three kids is a full time job in itself. One that I was not mentally prepared for. The transition from two little to three hit hard. It became suffocating and time consuming. Especially if you are working full time as well. My rage was at an all time high when I was working full time and on top of that a full time student. I literally stayed on edge. It calmed down some when I stopped working but that irritability and rage was still present.

Which leads to my second trigger. I felt like I didn't recognize myself anymore and that I had lost my identity to motherhood. I had to stop working and I barely had any time for the things that I loved doing. I had no time to read, to sleep, to do school work, to write for my blog, to pursue my career. The only thing I had time for was catering to these little human beings. Mind you, we were in a pandemic so the support from friends and family or even daycare wasn't there because everything was shut down.

I no longer felt like I had control over my life and that everything was slipping from my hands.

Now I will say this spiraling effect was heightened when I wasn't getting enough sleep when I wasn't feeding myself properly or drinking enough water. Or even when I wasn't moving my body enough. When I became too sedentary which was common during the lockdown. We couldn't go anywhere or do anything. Everything and everyone was at home. So it goes back to my question are my common needs even being met?

Are you getting enough sleep?

Are you eating enough?

Are you drinking enough water? Honestly, if you're a caffeine drinker, have you had caffeine? or if you're being really honest with yourself is the caffeine making it worse?

Are you being active enough? Even if it's a simple walk or two around the neighborhood.

My expectations were unrealistic during this time and instead of giving myself grace or having clear communication with myself, my spouse, and with friends and family, I become disappointed, irritable, and enraged.

It wasn't fair to me or those I loved. But it made me aware that something was wrong and that I needed help. There are many different things that we can do to help manage this rage we are feeling and to get the help and support that we need so that we can enjoy this stage of motherhood that we're in. Because you don't want to be the always angry mom or always yelling mom.

So before we dive into that self-help and the work that we need to put in, we're going to take a quick break to thank today's sponsor: Anchor! If you haven’t heard about Anchor it’s the easiest way to make a podcast. I had no idea what I was getting myself into when starting a podcast until I found Anchor! Anchor is completely free and it has all of the creation tools you need to record and edit your podcast right from your phone or computer. Ancho makes things easy by distributing your podcast for you to platforms such as Spotify, Apple Podcast, and many others. The best part is that you can make money from your podcast without a minimum listenership. Anchor has everything you need to start your very own podcast, all in one easy-to-use place. So go ahead and download the free Anchor app or go to Anchor.fm , that's a-n-c-h-o-r dot f-m to get started today.

Managing this mom rage requires work. Some days are better than others. There are going to be times when you lose your ish and yell. But we don't want to always be losing our ish. We don't want to always be feeling on edge. We don't want our loved ones to feel like they have to walk on eggshells around us because we're a ticking time bomb.

So here's what helped me: And just as a reminder, this is how I handled my mom rage. I found what works for me and I hope it'll help you find what works for you. You know my motto, take what you can use and leave what you can't.

Alright, so as an introvert, I need time to recharge. I enjoy being alone. It's nice to sit in the quiet and just think, to just read, or write, or honestly to just sit. So when I don't have that alone time to recharge then I'm on edge.

I'm my happiest when I wake up before my kids. I am able to drink my coffee in peace. To read, to stretch or do some yoga. To pray and sometimes even get my life together. Having that time without feeling rushed is needed.

If I skip breakfast, I'm on edge. I am not my best self when I haven't eaten a proper meal all day. And those granola bars do not count mamas! Also I need water. I can't live on ice coffee as much as I wish I could.

Now sleep is something I am still working on. My youngest just started sleeping in her crib through the night but my anxiety would get the best of me and prevent me from sleeping. So there would be a lot of late nights and a lot of night wakings and me not getting enough sleep. It's gotten better. Still not great but I have trained myself to be in bed at a decent time, I'm talking lights out by 10pm. If only I could get the night wakings under control. Honestly I probably just need to get rid of that afternoon cup of coffee now that I'm thinking about it.

If the day was a little harder then I go to my husband and I tell him, like hey hunny, I need 5 minutes or 10 minutes to just sit in my room by myself. Thankfully I have an understanding husband who sees that and gives me those minutes. And trust me, those small amount of minutes make a difference.

Getting outside also helps. We started this new thing with the kids to spend 1000 hours outside and just being outside helps improve my mood so much. As well as a clean house. A clean house calms my soul.

Now as I mentioned earlier, mom rage may be a symptom of anxiety or depression. It was very hard for me to accept at first because you know it exists but it's something you think can't happen to you. So I am in therapy to help manage that side of things.

But with everything I mentioned, if I do majority of those things, my needs are met and I am a much happier person. It's so easy to put the needs of your kids or spouse first but no mama, you gotta put yourself first and take care of your needs so you can be your best self for your loved ones and for yourself.

And don't be afraid to communicate and stand up for your needs. Don't wait for someone else to speak up for you. No one else knows what you need more than yourself. Trust yourself, have realistic expectations, and take care of yourself.

You are not alone. Mom rage is very real and you're not the only one experiencing it.

Be sure to check out the show notes on my blog lettersformotherhood.com for some resources and more information on mom rage.

So let me be your supporter, your motivator, your encourager, your internet friend that pats you on the back and let you know that you're doing an amazing job and also remind you that you don't have to do it alone!

I hope you enjoyed today's episode and that you got some nourishment for your soul. I'll talk to you in the next love letter.

Love & Light, Jalesa.

Jalesa 5/23/21 Jalesa 5/23/21

Episode 02: Mom Rage Resources

If you haven’t listened to episode 02 on mom rage, make sure you go take a listen. it’s really good.

In this post, I’m sharing some resources that helped educate me on mom rage and what really helped me to manage.

Feel free to check them out for yourself.

Instagram Accounts:

@psychedmommy

@happyasamother

Articles:

Mom rage is real—and it's a sign that mothers' needs aren't being met

Mom rage is a real thing—here's how to deal with it

Mom Rage: Everything Sets Me Off

Podcasts:

A love letter to motherhood Episode 02: Let’s Talk About Mom Rage

Happy As A mother Episode 052: Mindfulness for Mommy Rage with Psychiatrist Dr. Diana Korevaar

Herself Episode 73:Mom Rage

Also, if you feel like therapy would help then take that next step. I am a firm believer that therapy works.

Love & light,

Jalesa

Johnathan Dodson 5/9/21 Johnathan Dodson 5/9/21

Episode 01 An Introduction: My Story

Transcript:

Welcome to A Love letter to motherhood! I am so excited to finally get this thing rolling. If you know me, I really love being a mom. Like I just knew motherhood was meant for me and I have embraced every ounce of it. The highs, the lows, you name it. I wanted to create a safe space for mamas to share it all. I'm a firm believer that life is a learning process and we should all share our life stories because there are so many, like us, going through it. There are so many other mothers that are out there struggling, as well as celebrating and it's nice to have a village to share those highs and lows with. It really does take a village to raise these little humans.

Think of this podcast as a journal. We're going to talk about it all! There is no shaming, no judging, just sharing. Taking what we can use, sharing what we think others can use, and leaving what doesn't serve us at the time.

So here's my story & how I became a mother.

I became a mom at 17. I was still in high school and obviously a teen mother. You can only imagine the judgment I received for being a teen mom. The stigma around that is a whole other issue. But I refused to allow that stigma to define me. I am so much more than a teenage mother, a young mother. I made sure that I got a job, I went to college (on a scholarship mind you), and made sure that my daughter was well taken care of and well-loved. I did what I had to do for me and her. Now being 26 with a 9 year it's still crazy to me thinking about it all. People still stare at us and you can see them calculating our ages in their head when they hear her call me mom. But I really enjoy it. We grew up together. We're learning this mother-daughter dynamic and figuring it out as we go. She's taught me more about myself than anything else ever could.

6 years later I had a miscarriage. It changed my life. I had been trying to have another baby for years! Then for this to happen. I was angry. I was sad. I was confused. Doctors told me I couldn't have another baby for reasons that were unclear but we kept trying anyway only for this to happen. My marriage was challenged, my faith was challenged. I was ready for another baby but time was not.

9 months later i was pregnant with my rainbow baby. I was so happy. and so scared all at the same time. he was born happy and healthy and has been such a blessing in our lives.

Shortly after having him, I was pregnant unexpectedly with my third. She obviously was not planned, I was happy with just two but now here she is. God clearly knew I needed her more in my life than I thought I did. It's funny how we try to make our own plans and God has other plans for us. Unfortunately, I did go through a phase of depression during my pregnancy and even after she was here, I had postpartum depression and anxiety. I just had a really hard time accepting my pregnancy especially since I had just started my career and was doing really well. It was also just an extremely difficult pregnancy. Um, we got through it though. She's here and I love her sooooo much. She is honestly a pure light.

I would probably say I would have more kids if I didn't have to go through pregnancy again. I do enjoy being pregnant! I just cannot. I've never had easy pregnancies. They took a toll on me physically and mentally. I would rather give birth than be pregnant.

All three of my children were unmedicated so that's saying a lot that I would prefer birth over pregnancy. But we don't have to think about that anymore. We're done done. Our little family is complete I would say.

So there's a little about me and how I became a mother with each of my pregnancies. They're 9, 3, and 1. Definitely fun ages. Each one keeps me on my toes.

So I want to preface, I'm definitely not an expert in any way. I'm constantly educating myself and choosing to grow and change with my kids. My parenting style is definitely more child-led. Each of my children have completely different personalities and learning styles. What works for one does not work for the other. I also base a lot of my parenting on science. I love child psychology and I don't agree a lot with how I was raised and disciplined. That's a whole other topic we're going to dive into eventually. But what works for me isn't necessarily going to work for you or another. I'm not here to give advice and tell you what to do with your children. I'm here to encourage you and uplift you. we all make mistakes but as long as we're willing to apologize and learn then that's all that matters. We're all just really trying to figure this out.

We're going to talk about some hard topics because motherhood is hard but we're also going to celebrate each other along the way. I can't wait for you to walk this journey with me.

I hope you enjoyed today's episode and that you got some nourishment for your soul. I'll talk to you in the next love letter.

Love & Light, Jalesa.